


It's Not Lying if You Don't Say Anything

by Somany_ships



Series: Cynical Town Can be Tough on an Angel (SVU AU) [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Barisi - Freeform, Blood, Dreams, Emotions, Established Relationship, Guns, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentioned Abuse, Near Death, Rafael is a coffee addict, S18Ep7, Self-Harm, Sensory Overload, Sonny has Anxiety, and light ptsd, light fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-04 07:16:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10986066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somany_ships/pseuds/Somany_ships
Summary: Carisi was dreaming because of course he was. He dreamt that he had been shot, and this condescending voice kept yelling at him as he visited all of his loved ones. “Look what you’ve done, you idiot. You got yourself killed. You hurt your family, your coworkers, your boyfriend. They’re going to suffer, because you had to be a goddamn hero, and couldn’t wait for back-up. Look, look what’s happened to them.”Set after Season 18, Episode seven, I have my own ideas as to what goes on, based on some of my headcanons.





	1. "Fine" is a Strong Word

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so in this version of the universe, Sonny is 35 and has some anxiety, but it isn't strong enough to the point where he needs meds or needs to go to therapy. He had a rocky, somewhat lightly abusive relationship with his father, which is why he hates being called "Dominick". Rafael in this is 40, tries but doesn't always succeed since he hasn't been romantically involved for a while. He's also a total thespian and will make many theater references.
> 
> I'm not totally sure of the actual canonical time span between season 17 and 18, but in the story, the boys have been dating for just under a year and started dating about a month before the season 17 finale. 
> 
> And now for the actual things from the author, not just things about the story. This was originally going to be an angsty one-shot but ended up being a story with chapters, and I will do my absolute best to put out a new chapter every week. I already have two chapters written, and am working on a third, so we will see how the updating of this goes. 
> 
> I listened to the musical Tick, Tick...BOOM! a lot while listening to this, so there is a lot of inspiration for this from that.
> 
> The basis of Sonny's anxiety and slight PTSD is from one of my friends who has severe anxiety, and I have been helping with it, so because of that, I may end up putting a lot of my experiences into the story.
> 
> If you are someone with anxiety or feel like something about the portrayal is off, please let me know so that I can fix it. 
> 
> Also if you notice any random glaring issues that could be fixed, tell me about that too. 
> 
> Thank you!  
> Sorry for this huge word vomit  
> Also, I'll update the tags as I go on.

Carisi was shaking, that was obvious for him to tell, but he went into tunnel vision, so he couldn't tell much of what else was going on around him. He could feel everything and hear everything, however. The cold metal barrel, not quite fully pressed against his face, he could hear the blood rushing through his head, and the muffled screams coming from Quinn in the room over. 

Then everything seemed to stop, when he heard a bang coming from a gun -it was loud, too loud-, he assumed Cole's, when he felt a warm splatter of blood on his face, and neck, and in his hair. It reeked of iron, but he had to think the smell and feeling and sound of everything would go away soon, he was the one shot, right?

Olivia’s words snapped him out of his tunnel vision, but he still had trouble breathing, grasping what had actually just happened. “You’re okay, you’re okay.” She tells him, but it just flows through with the blood, but never fully makes it into his head. He nods anyway. His legs collapsed, and so he falls, pushing the gun away from Cole. What if he’s still alive, I gotta check. But he’s clearly bled out; Olivia hit him well. 

She walks out, and he nods, then gets up. He’s dizzy, but the adrenaline keeps him moving forward, out of the house, gets a towel to clean his face off, however he never fully understood what he was saying, and he never fully got everything off his face. 

I’m fine. He tells himself.

I’m fantastic.

He’s wiping off his face, get’s all the wet blood off, but neglects to get the dryer areas by the time he and Olivia reconvene before getting into the police car. The two banter about a previous conversation beforehand, Carisi himself thinks that he’s okay. Granted, his head isn’t totally clear, everything is still a little muffled and foggy, but he at least has his bearings with him, and is able to react as normally as he would in literally any other situation. 

Benson asked if he was okay. “Course, Lieutenant. I’m a tough guy, I can handle it.” Olivia frowned in response “Carisi, you know that ‘you being able to handle it’ means that you’re not actually okay, and you’re still dealing with it, right? I want you to take today through Sunday off, go visit your sisters and niece, have some you time. Take a break from work for a little bit.” Carisi shakes his head. “Nah, I’m fine, Lieutenant. I promise.”

“That wasn’t a request, Carisi. Take the weekend off. I will see you on Monday.”

The rest of the car ride was uncomfortably quiet; there was a tension in the air, where it was obvious that Carisi wanted to argue, but was either in too much shock or didn’t quite care enough to be shut down by Olivia again. So he held his tongue, and he waited, and he thought. First about how he felt stupid enough to get caught by Cole. He should have seen or at least heard Cole, but he somehow failed, and he almost died because of it. His face flushed lightly. Then he started thinking about his family, what would they say if he had been shot? What if his niece grew up with the memories of an uncle, but never got to have any time with him where she could actually remember him? His face was fully red.

But then his mind drifted to Rafael Barba, his boyfriend of eleven months, and the epitome of the ‘if he’s mean to you, he likes you’ thought process. Barba doesn’t need to know, he doesn’t need to worry about me when he has so much to worry about by himself. But he’s going to find out eventually, I know he will, it’d be better to just tell him...No, I can’t…

The car ride was over, and Carisi thanked God for that, because he was about to start crying, and Liv didn’t need to see him holding back his tears because he was an idiot who failed at his job. So as soon as the car stop, he basically leaped out, wiping his eyes, and attempting to contain any semblance of pride he still has left. So he ran, to go get his stuff from his desk, mumbling a response to Amanda’s “Oh my God, Sonny are you okay?” and just leaving as soon as possible. He quickly stops by the bathroom, cleans his face off and runs a wet towel over his face. Once he deemed himself presentable enough, he headed out and got in his car.

This was the first of his small breakdowns. He lived with Rafael, he was going to be asked about what had happened; it’s not like Barba wasn’t involved with the case. Besides, at this point he was easily able to tell if something was wrong with Sonny, he wouldn’t be able to hide anything. Fuck. Sonny sat in his car until the crying passed, not trusting himself to drive when his vision was being blurred. 

During the drive home, Sonny was lightly shaking. His breath was labored, and every time he thought of his boyfriend, how upset Barba was going to be, Sonny could feel his eyes water again, and he quickly drained his mind of any thoughts. 

He got home, looked around. No one was there. Thank God. I’m gonna wash, Rafi doesn’t need to know. So he walks to the bathroom, as he starts unbuttoning his shirt, tensing, realizing he’s probably touching the blood splatters around the collar of his shirt. He looks in the mirror, and he cringes, there was still blood on the sides of his face, and he started scratching the sides where is was dried, before even getting a towel.

Sonny pulled his hand away and nearly started crying again. He should have expected it, there were blood flakes until his nails. He started scrubbing that, and the side of his face, eyes closed, just trying to get it off. He kept going, lost track of time. There was a short, sharp pain where he had been scrubbing, which caused him to finally open his eyes. Pulling the towel away, his head became light. There was no more than a tiny bit of blood, he had just barely broken the skin, but it made Carisi sick.

Which is when he puked.

It wasn’t a lot, he hadn’t eaten a lot that day. But some had gotten on him, which just caused him to want to puke again. He only gagged and started wiping off the puke, luckily nowhere near as compulsively as his face. He’s careful this time when cleaning out the remnants of the blood in his ear, but wants to scrub again to get rid of the small patches he rubbed away earlier. 

And so he does.

He doesn’t know what happened, he’s back into the tunnel vision, where he can only seem to focus on cleaning the blood off, which of course only makes him bleed more. So, because the blood keeps coming, he keeps scrubbing. 

The door opens; Rafael’s home. Sonny starts to panic more, No, he thinks. Rafi can’t know, I don’t want him to worry. He slowly sinks his way into a corner of the room, but he hears footsteps coming towards him. “Sonny?” Rafael sounds worried. 

~

“Sonny?” Liv had called him, told him about what had happened in the house. She didn’t know about him and Sonny, so when Rafael’s voice constricted, and he started to seem antsy, Liv started to question why. He refused to answer, just said he had to go, and started on his way home. He knew Sonny, knew he could take most things, but he had been tired, been putting in a lot of OT, and would likely hide everything until he was able to be alone.

So he was only partially surprised with what he walked in on. The room smelled vaguely of blood and...was that vomit? His love was curled, sobbing in a corner, half scaredly eying Rafael, half trying to prevent himself from crying any further (to no avail). “Cariño. Sonny, did you throw up?” He didn’t get a response, of course.

He takes a step forward, which causes Sonny to start wildly muttering “No, no don’t p-please, don’t come closer...I don’t…” then drop his head into his knees. Rafael keeps going towards Sonny, who doesn’t protest anymore past that point. He kneels, puts his hand on Carisi's head, who then flinches back further into himself. “Cariño, look at me please.” Sonny shakes his head. “Please..”

There’s a pause, but Sonny finally lifts his head. He wipes his eyes, but the tears still flow lightly. He is also covering part of his face with his hand, which Rafael promptly goes to move. Sonny protests, but eventually gives in, and just starts to go slightly limp. He looks lightheaded. 

The area Sonny had been covering was rubbed raw, bleeding slightly, and was red in an area about twice the actual size of the scrapes. It wasn’t pretty, but Sonny has had worse injuries. However, something about it seemed off. “Did this happen on the job, Sonny?” He get’s a no, which basically confirms what he was scared of. 

“Why?”

“Wanted…..wanted to be clean. Didn't want...didn't want you to have to deal or worry bout me. I can handle myself.” Rafael was silent, processing what Carisi had just said. He stood up, left to the closet and grabbed a new towel, wetted it, and went back to Carisi. Holding up his face, Barba started to dab at the side of his boyfriend’s face. “Sonny, I’m your boyfriend. I want you to tell me this kind of thing, please, don’t hide from me.” 

“You didn’t tell me about the threats you were getting.”

“That’s..That’s different. I’m always going to get threats. It’s how my job goes.”

“I could get killed in my work. That’s how it goes.” 

“Sonny…”

Rafael get’s pushed away, and Sonny starts to get up but is still light headed. He refuses to let Rafael close to him, and just changes his pants and goes to bed. Rafael gets a glass of water and sets it down on the nightstand on Sonny’s side of the bed. Rafael himself changes his clothes, and climbs into bed, turning off the light, but using his phone to read. 

“Please, let me help.” He says, with one long glance at Sonny. But he doesn’t get a reply.


	2. Feeling Like a Kid Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the chapter that has Sonny actually breaking down. It may not be totally accurate, so if there are any problems with the portrayal, please let me know so I can fix them.
> 
> It's super angsty, and I am sorry for that. 
> 
> I was supposed to post this in two days, but I've been too hyped about it since I posted the first chapter so here the chapter is, two days early. Woo.

Carisi was dreaming because of course he was. He dreamt that he had been shot, and this condescending voice kept yelling at him as he visited all of his loved ones. “Look what you’ve done, you idiot. You got yourself killed. You hurt your family, your coworkers, your boyfriend. They’re going to suffer, because you had to be a goddamn hero, and couldn’t wait for back-up. Look, look what’s happened to them.”

The first scene he sees is his funeral, the procedure goes as Dodds’ did, but it doesn’t feel as deserved. He was an idiot, he died because he was reckless, not because of something brave. He doesn’t deserve this. 

But he glanced around, Olivia looked misty, sort of out of it, probably since this was the second time she’d had to have dealt with this kind of thing in about a year. It was like she refused to accept this actually happened. Fin was just hiding, refusing to look at what was going on, probably for similar reasons that Liv was upset. Rollins was flat out crying, which made sense. Sonny was like a brother to her and was great to have around Jesse. The two were close, he would weep for her if it was her in the casket. Barba wasn't there. “He hates you. Wouldn’t show up to your funeral.”

The next scene was his family, who had all gathered around a small almost shrine of Carisi. His mother was praying in Italian, that he could tell. All of his sisters were there, praying as well as his niece, but it didn't look like his father was there. No objections from Sonny. His dad wasn't a total shit show, but he wasn't a great dude either. Everyone was wearing black, with his niece wearing just a small amount of lavender, holding lavenders - Sonny’s favorite. There was a knock, and when the door was opened, the rest of his family, his non-nuclear family, filed into the small living room of the house, and crowded and cried over the shrine. “They don’t miss you, why would they? This is just your fantasy, it wouldn’t actually happen.”

Then it was just Barba. He was sitting in his office, had a half cup of coffee on his desk, piles of work he was lazily reading over, and a small, framed picture of carisi laughing in the corner. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, and had been starving himself. “He has no will to live. You’ve drained him with your recklessness.” Sonny wanted to yell at him to take better care of himself, to look what he was doing, but he couldn't. He had gotten himself killed, he wasn't one to talk. His tie was also one of Sonny's, one that he had taken and neglected to return; he would play with it every now and then, instead of writing. 

In fact, a lot of the trinkets on his desk we're Sonny's, or related to him. He had pinned a ticket to Kinky Boots that's the boys had gone to see for their six month anniversary. It's where Rafael first told Sonny he loved him. There was a small pitch pipe laying around that Sonny had given Rafael for his birthday since Raf loved to sing to him. Hell, even the picture that Rafael has framed was ripped right off of Sonny's phone, so that must have been lying around somewhere. But the biggest thing was the pen he was using. It was Sonny's favorite pen. The pilot P-500, fine point, gel ink. Rafael had laughed when Sonny was gushing about them, but proceeded to give him five packs of the pens a week later because “hey, if it makes him happy.” off to the side was the pen Rafael normally used; it was a Hero 2065 fountain pen, black with gold trim and a refillable ink cartridge. Sonny had gotten it for him as a thank you for the 60 pens Rafael had gotten for him. “He won’t even use your gift anymore.”

There was a knock on the door, Rafael didn't even bother to acknowledge the noise when the door opened. It was Rollins. “Hey, Lieutenant sent me to check on you, since you've seemed kind of distant.” Barba doesn't respond with anything more than a Curt nod. “You know, I never expected you to take this so hard. You certainly didn't when Dodds was killed.” Barba’s eyes flicked over to the picture of Sonny, and he started playing with the tie unconsciously. “We're you two...we're you guys a thing?” Barba just nods. 

Rollins takes a little bit to respond but eventually does so quietly. “I'm...I'm so sorry. If you need to talk, I'm open.” Barba nods again but fully disregards her comment. She leaves him, and he sighs, then grabs the picture. “You know, I never got to tell you that I love you enough. Now it's too late.” Sonny could tell Rafael was about to start crying, as the attorney squeezed his eyes closed and started to bury himself in his work again.

Sonny wakes up quietly, but his face is wet, and he can't see anything, except for the vague shape of a glass on his nightstand. He can hear Rafael snoring, and is tempted to wake him up, but something snaps in him saying “no, he doesn't need to deal with your shitty mind. Don't wake him, let him be in peace.” so he reaches out for the water, and downs it, before getting up to go to the bathroom to wash off his face. It burns slightly where he was rubbing it raw, but all he can let that do is heal now.

Once he gets to the mirror, he cringes. He can't see any more of Cole's blood, but he sees his own, and his mind twists it so that he thinks it's Cole's. That Cole has done this to him, and somehow he's going to come back to finish the job. He feels the cold metal of the barrel against his head, and he closes his eyes, saying “please, you don't need to” but he doesn't say what. His left hand is bracing against the counter, his right wrapped around his waist. 

He stands like that for who knows how long, but he opens his eyes with the scent of blood on his face and the taste of it in his mouth. He wants to puke again, but there is nothing in his body for him to get out, so he starts vomiting up bile. It was gross and hot and yellow, but it didn't smell and it got the taste out of his mouth so it couldn't be all the bad. He washed it out of the sink.

But then his head started to itch, and he went to scratch it, but then it was hurting and felt like it was wet and when he pulled his hands away his fingers were covered in blood, which made him heave even more. He washed his hands over and over and over. His hands were plenty clean, and they soon became dried out from how much soap he was using. But now his head was dripping blood again and that's it, that's how Cole is gonna come back. He's gonna come through my own blood to kill me. He's gonna shoot me, and my dream will come true, but at least it'll be over fast. 

Sonny is shaking, and he just wants to get the goddamn blood off his face, and he starts crying because anything he tries seems to make it hurt and bleed more, seems to let Cole win. He keeps scrubbing, though, and he keeps bleeding, and he eventually gets tired, so he gets a new towel, and lies down on the couch. ‘I don't need to bother Rafi. He doesn't need to deal with the mess I am right now.’

He closes his eyes, but he feels everything again, so he opens them. He can't sleep anymore. Sonny stands up and checks the clock: 4:38. He grabs a mug, and fills it with water, then find a tea bag, and makes himself a cup of late night tea so that he doesn't need to fall back asleep and feel everything again. He keeps the towel pressed to his face, but the heat of tea burning his tongue takes away some of the pain from his face, so he's okay with everything going on.

The alarm started going off in the bedroom, Barba groaned, and absentmindedly mumbled “Sonny, I’m gonna make some coffee..” before turning off his alarm. It was five, and Sonny didn’t usually need to get up until six, but Rafael needed the extra time in the morning to actually fully wake up. So, when he felt the other side of the bed empty, a small wave of panic set in, as well as adrenaline activating. Rafael flung his sheets off, and as fast as he could in his half-awake fervor, started to search the room, before the rest of the house for his boyfriend.

“Sonny? Are you here?” He called out, hoping for a response. When he finds Sonny, standing holding a towel to his face, and harshly gripping a teacup, his heart goes almost back to normal, but he slowly realizes that something must have happened for Sonny to get up before himself. 

Rafael walked forward, slowly, but Sonny backed away from him. “Cariño, I need you to let me help you, you’re clearly not okay. Here” Barba lightly holds Sonny’s arm. “Let me look at that, okay? It’s not going to stop bleeding if you keep rubbing it.” Rafael has to use slight force to bring down Sonny’s arm, its trembling slightly, and Rafael can’t tell if it’s involuntary or because he’s fighting dropping his arm.

The area got bigger and was clearly still slightly bleeding, however lightly. “Sonny, did you have a panic attack?” Carisi stiffened, but then curled into himself, and turned away from Rafael. “Don’t worry about me. ‘M fine.”

“That's bullshit and you know it. What happened?” 

“Dream, what happened yesterday. 'M fine.”

“Sonny, I want to help you, it's not going to take a toll on me if that's what you're worried about. You're my boyfriend, I want to help you, and I can't do that if you're lying to me.” 

“You lie to me, Rafael. Why should I be totally honest when you're not either?” Barba slumped but started to lose his early morning temper. “I didn't lie, Sonny, I just didn't tell you what was happening because it was irrelevant and I'm fine.” 

Carisi leaned on the counter in the kitchen and started to curl into himself. His body felt weak, chest felt heavy but his head was light. The only thing going through his head was “he's mad at me what do I say, it's my fault.” But Sonny wasn't in control of anything, he hadn't had a panic attack this bad since he was a teenager and hadn't one at all in about a year and he didn't remember what he needs to be doing. He reached out hand shaking, and lightly held Rafael's face. “I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with this, you've never had to before. I'm supposed to be able to handle myself..”

Rafael leaned his head into Sonny's hand. “I can't just stand there and ignore this, though, Cariño. I want to help. Tell me how.” Sonny shakes his head. “Ask tonight, maybe then I can talk to you. But I’m worthless right now, more so than usual..” Barba's eyes scanned Sonny's face, from his watery eyes to his red cheeks to the raw skin that couldn't be pleasant and ignored the comment about his worthlessness.

“Have you showered yet?” 

“No”

“Maybe that will help.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, and” Rafael leans forward to kiss Sonny on the cheek, but Sonny backs up out of fear, so with the height difference, he ends up kissing Sonny’s chest. “I love you.” The second part was more mumbled, as Sonny starts to walk away. “You shouldn’t”

There was a silence.

“I’m sorry.”

Sonny started sobbing again.


	3. What Aren't You Telling Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny has anxiety
> 
> And a weird tragic backstory
> 
> Rafael is an addict to coffee
> 
> He tries but doesn't know what to do so he accidentally fucks up
> 
> AKA: anxiety with a hint of backstory and fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I feel bad for Sonny, 1.) he's hella messed up, more than I originally expected when I started this fic. I expected this to be a cute, fluffy and angsty one-shot, around 2000 words, where Sonny freaks out and Raf is able to calm him. But I guess the fuck not.

Barba knew about Sonny’s anxiety, the younger had made is very clear that he had it, because he wanted to make sure that Rafael knew what he was getting into. And it wasn’t bad most of the time; usually Sonny just had a small, random moment of panic that was easily calmable, for the most part at least, even with the remaining underlying feeling of anxiety for the following hours.

The first time he had a proper panic attack that Rafael had seen was during the early weeks of Sonny shadowing Barba. He had dropped one piece of paper when he was getting files to Barba. He had seen it fall out, but when he went to grab it, the paper was gone. It wasn’t until the actual trial when the defense attorney ended up with a piece of information that Barba ended up missing, because Sonny wasn’t able to find the one paper.

Barba ended up needing to take a plea deal because there would have been no way to win otherwise, and Sonny ended up getting completely stripped of any dignity he had, and had him on desk duty for two weeks, along with his regular detective duties and school. When he first found out what he had to do, he didn’t complain but was found in the bathroom hyperventilating, shaking, and unable to speak. Sonny calmed down about an hour later, and was immediately confronted by Barba saying “I’m not a cruel man, I promise, so I would like to apologize for causing you to panic.” Sonny paused, replied saying that he was okay, and Barba walked off.

The second time was about seven months into the relationship, and Sonny’s mother was having a birthday. A few people in his family knew about him and Rafael, so they invited him along to the party as well, so that the family would be able to finally meet the guy who had made Sonny even happier (and more talkative). Sonny was acting fine, but on the drive to the party, Sonny started to zone out, and Rafael had to take control of the wheel more than a few times. 

“Sonny, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t”

“Can’t what?”

“Nothing.”

Rafael sighed. “Pull over, Sonny.” Carisi was still but pulled over to the closest parking lot. “Talk to me.” Sonny just closed his eyes and leaned his head against the headrest. So Rafael put his hand on Sonny’s arm, which immediately calmed the younger enough so that he wasn’t stiff anymore. They sat like that for a solid five minutes before Sonny was able to actually talk.

“It’s my Pop. He’s the incredibly conservative type, was never a fan of me likin’ guys; thought it was totally against the Catholic way when he himself never followed many of the rules. Everyone else in the family was fine, but being the only guy made things pretty rocky. He always called me his ‘wannabe’ and always wished he had an ‘actual son’.” 

Rafael sat for a little bit, staring at Sonny who was at the watery but not crying stage of tears. “Cariño, your father is an ignorant son of a bitch who doesn't realize the amazing son he already has. And if he is there today, I will personally sue him if he does anything against us, okay?” Sonny nodded and smiled a little. “Also switch seats with me, I'm driving because I'm not going to get into a crash. This tie is worth too much.” 

Sonny couldn't hold in his laughter.

“What is it with the unit and people with Daddy issues?” Barba laughed with Sonny.

So yes, Rafael was aware of Sonny’s anxiety, and normally he was there to help Sonny when the panic attack started but he wasn’t there this time, so he didn’t know what to do when it got to this point. He had never seen Sonny so compulsive about anything other than his work, so he was terrified when he saw the damage Sonny had done to his face. It could be worse, but it certainly wouldn’t be fun to deal with once his anxiety wore down.

He started to pour his coffee and decided against any sugar in it today. Rafael needed the edge that he would sometimes get with black over creamed coffee. He smelled the coffee and already felt more awake. Some people are addicted to cigarettes, some to their phones, Rafael was a coffee junky. He was also addicted to his phone...and Sonny...but mostly his addiction was to coffee.

There was just something about it that caused him to become entranced. Everything about it captivated him; the smell of it, the bite of how bitter it was, everything seemed simply magical to Rafael. It was this magic that held Rafael’s attention so much he almost didn’t hear the loud bang a couple rooms over.

But he did hear it and was snapped out of his coffee induced trance. He slammed his coffee cup down, spilling some of the drink, which made him cringe, but he ignored it and ran into the bathroom with Sonny. 

Sonny was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, holding his head in both his hands. His legs looked like they were trembling slightly, as was the rest of him. Rafael started to ask in a hurried fashion if he was okay but was cut off. “yes, Rafael, I'm fine. My legs collapsed, and I hit my head, but I don’t have a concussion and nothing hurts except for my ass, which is what I fell on.”

“no, you're not ‘fine’, you're an absolute wreck who needs to talk to someone. It doesn't have to be me, but you can't just keep this in. Talk to a therapist, talk to your family or something, Amanda she'd listen, I mean for Christ's sake, talk to Liv! She was there, she'll understand!” 

Sonny began to shake his head, and Rafael’s temper was almost gone. “Fucking Christ Dominick, listen to me!” it was quiet after that. Sonny was stiff, his eyes glazed over, a vague sense of fear washed over him. “sorry sir” Sonny croaked, any strength in his voice was gone. It took Rafael a little bit to realize what had happened, what he had done. The name, he thought, but I've used his name before, nothing happened then aside from a quick reminder to not call him that. 

“Sonny, I-”

“Stop. Just stop, okay?”

Rafael backed down. He didn’t say anything. He just waited until Sonny continued. But Sonny just got up, steadied himself, and walked out of the bathroom. He wasn’t crying anymore, he didn’t really seem to show any emotions; probably caused by training from his father when he heard his real name. He followed after Sonny, who was pouring himself some coffee and completely ignored anything Rafael was trying to do. 

“Sonny”

Carisi just glared at him and took a long breath. He spoke at a raised volume to what would be considered his normal “shut up, counselor, shut up. Everything is already too loud and I don't need you adding to it, okay?” so Barba whispered “sensory overload?” Rafael had gone through it himself a few times when he was working a particularly hard case.

Sonny nodded. “yes, everything is echoing and vibrating and I'm half expecting my dad to come in and slap my and tell me to snap out of it because ‘it isn't manly enough’. So please, go away.” Sonny was violently shaking, his head was hanging and his hands were firmly on the counter, his elbows firmly locked. 

Rafael couldn’t move. His head was a mix of ‘I need to help him’ and ‘I need to leave him alone’, causing his body to not be totally sure as to what to do. He walked towards Sonny, shakily but steady. Sometimes, when Rafael was going through sensory overload, the only thing that would snap him out of it was a loud noise, or someone coming into the room he was in. Basically any change in the environment he was in when it happened. So he hoped to accomplish something similar, by gently placing a hand on Sonny’s arm, especially after Sonny had mentioned his father slapping him. Maybe he could do the same thing, just nicer.

And he did, it was soft, but Sonny still flinched. That was expected.

“‘M’ sorry dad.” He mumbled quietly, before realizing who he was with. “Damn, sorry, Raf. I’ve been insufferable, haven’t I?” Rafael gave him a confused, if not slightly irritated look. “Two things, Cariño, one, how is everything sounding, and two, what did your father do to you?” Sonny shook his head. “sounds… Fine I guess, and I'm ‘on a plead the fifth..”

The last statement made Rafael giggle slightly, but he quickly shut himself up, remembering what the situation actually was. “that's not the right use of the phrase Sonny, but I get the point. But… Please, tell me when you feel comfortable, okay?” he looked at the clock on the wall the next room over. “dammit I need to get ready.” he looks to Sonny, who looks far away, out of it. 

“I'll, I'll be fine, Raf. I'm gonna go sleep, got nothin’ better to do.” Barba looked at him, really looked at him before responding. He looked uncomfortable, to say the least. His hair was still covered in gel but had fallen over his face. It wasn't a bad look, really, just unlike what Sonny was usually seen in. The area on his face that was scratched up was done bleeding, but couldn't be comfortable, and could potentially trigger something in Sonny again. “hey, let me put some gauze on that.” he gestured towards Sonny’s face. “it should help it heal faster.” 

“I got it, I'm in a good enough state of mind now. Thank you.” 

“are you absolutely sure?”

“yes,” Sonny stood up shakily, and walked to Barba, then hugged him. He pulled away, and when he did, he smiled, a full, genuine smile. He breathed out a laugh but kept smiling. Rafael cocked his head. “God I love you.” Rafael smiled. “I love you too but I have to go get ready, okay?”

He walked away, and once he was in the bedroom, he pulled out his phone to text Liv. 

To: Olivia Benson

Message: I need to talk to you about your detective. He's not doing so well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more backstory, specifically about Sonny and his dad (it's mostly verbal, not physical), and we get mama Benson with Sonny so yaaay maybe at least one character will be actually in character.
> 
> I'm gonna see if I can pump out chapter 4 by Tuesday so that I'm actually back on release schedule. Whoops. Thanks finals.


	4. Your Goofy-Ass Hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See I would claim that this is like 4 weeks late because I've been busy and shit, and while I've not been totally free, I've just had 98% of this done for a while before finally finishing it.
> 
> Sorry if you actually care, though I don't know why you would.

“Hey Barba,” Rollins greeted as Rafael waltzed into the squad room. “Benson in her office?” he replied hastily, to which Rollins nodded in confirmation. Barba walked into her office and leaned against the door frame before knocking on the wood. “Hey, close the door.” Barba nods and closes the door which prompts Liv to immediately start asking questions. “First of all, where did you end up seeing my detective, and second, what is he doing?”

Barba swallowed his saliva nervously. He needed an excuse, not even Liv was aware that the two were dating. “I ran into him in a bar,, ” he said a little too quickly, but he didn’t really care; Olivia needed to know. “He,” ‘breathe, Barba’ he told himself. “He was off, seemed really defensive and jittery. He had a drink but refused to drink it. I ended up taking him home, trying to at least but ended up with him at my house because I couldn’t trust him on his own. He should still be there unless he called someone to pick him up.” 

“Okay, you said you couldn’t trust him. Why?” Rafael could feel his face getting hot, he was probably blushing slightly. He wasn’t sure whether it was out of fear or having to admit that he didn’t have complete control of the situation. “There were dried flakes of blood on his face, which he kept picking at. When I got there, he had already picked through his skin, and he kept scrubbing at it, even when I attempted to get him to stop. I wasn’t going to have him come in whenever he is due back as a total mess, so I took him home.”

“Thank you, Barba. I’ll see what I can do.” Barba nods curtly and starts to walk out when Olivia starts to speak again. “Oh, also, if he’s still at your apartment when you get home, watch over him.” Rafael nodded again, then left to his office. 

The day was long for Rafael. He had texted Sonny, asking how he was. The response was suspicious but didn’t raise any major alarm bells, so he didn’t persist any further. 

To: Sonny

Message: Hey, I’ll be at work until about 8:40, do you want me to bring dinner? How are you doing?

From: Sonny

Message: Nah, I can get food. And idk, better I guess. Kinda bored. 

To: Sonny

Message: Is that a good thing, or…?

From: Sonny

Message: Raf, do you like being bored?

To: Sonny

Message: Objection!

From: Sonny

Message: what grounds, counselor?

To: Sonny

Message: Immaterial, and I’m not the one who had a major panic attack last night.

From: Sonny

Message: Yeah

Barba read the message, over, and over. Ten, twenty times, and his heart sank just a little bit lower every time he read it. How does one even respond to that? It’s hard enough to respond to when it’s a completely casual conversation, but it’s about a hundred times worse when you just reminded your boyfriend of one of the shittiest times he’s ever had. 

From: Sonny

Message: Hey, you there?

Barba took a breath. He couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t seen the message, his phone had been open to the conversation so Sonny knew he had read it. 

To: Sonny

Message: Yeah, sorry, I have a lot of work to do. I’ll talk to you later

From: Sonny

Message: <3

Rafael let out a sigh of relief when he shut off his phone. ‘There I go, dropping the conversation so I don’t have to continue the conversation’ he thought. But he tried to forget and buried himself in his work. It was a lot of paperwork, which was incredibly tedious and time-consuming. 

He didn’t eat all day. Between the paperwork and worrying over Sonny, his brain didn’t really ever calculate when his body was hungry. So when he stood up to leave for the night, and he got ridiculously light headed, he was only slightly confused. He took a minute to steady himself before strutting out of his office and calling for an order at a bakery a couple blocks from his apartment. He got himself a bagel and (more) coffee and grabbed Sonny a couple croissants, in case he ended up changing his mind about food.

When Barba walked into the apartment, he flicked on the lights to the kitchen and dropped the box holding Sonny’s croissants onto the counter. Sonny was lying on the couch, probably asleep. He looked at peace. His body was totally relaxed, and he had indeed handled the gauze on his face. A pillow was falling out from under his head, and a blanket was half draped over him, the other half having fallen on the ground. 

Rafael knocked on the kitchen counter, causing Sonny to awaken slightly startled. He let out a sigh when he saw Barba standing in the kitchen. “oh, hey. I feel asleep, huh?” Barba chuckled and nodded. “I know you said you didn't want anything, but I bought you a couple croissants. Would you like me to heat them up for you?” 

Sonny sits up and pulls the blanket up to his chest. He was half sitting against the armrest of the couch, half leaning against the back of the couch. His knees were pulled loosely up to his chest, and his hands were holding the blanket up to his chest, clutching it tightly. He basically looked like a teenager waiting for his partner to walk over so they could keep cuddling - which isn’t totally false. “How much have you had food wise today?” Rafael didn’t say anything, just shrugged and hummed a little in response. “I’ll have one of em if you have the other. You need to eat, even when it’s a busy day, Raf.”

“You my mom now?” Rafael fussed with Sonny’s hair before heading into their bedroom to change. He was greeted with Sonny in a white t-shirt and dark green boxers that had a pale turquoise trim on them. Sonny grabbed Rafael’s waist before saying “Nah, I’m your boyfriend, and I want to make sure you’re okay.” then messing up Raf’s hair. “anyway, is the offer of you heating up the croissants still open? Rolling his eyes, Rafael lightly strokes part of Sonny’s upper arm and nods, then slips past the slim man to head to what little kitchen he had in his apartment. 

“Would you like anything with it?” Sonny smiled. 

The two ate their dinner and cuddled, eventually Sonny started to slouch so he ended up with his head on the edge of Rafael’s stomach and his lap. Barba was playing with Sonny’s hair, which was dry and without gel for once in his adult life. It was long(ish), long enough that if not gelled back, it would be constantly falling in Sonny’s eyes. Very unprofessional, Rafael thought. He noticed the skirts of hair around his face were graying. 

Anyway, he was running his fingers through Sonny’s hair twisting it around his finger, then letting it drop onto his head, keeping the curl; he'd start at the forehead, then run his fingers through the hair. Well, he accidentally bumped further down on Sonny's face, the younger visibly flinched, as well as an audible hitch of his breath. Barba scanned Sonny, he was no longer just laying comfortably, his entire body was incredibly tense, his breaths were erratic and forced. 

“Hey, Hey Sonny, you’re okay. I’m sorry, yo-you’re okay Cariño.” Barba was speaking in a rushed, intense fashion, but it seemed to help. Sonny blinked, and shook his head, his shoulders loosened up, and he looked up at Rafael’s face. He stuttered over his words before finally being able to string a proper sentence together. “I...dammit, I froze, didn’t I Raf?”

Barba nodded and grabbed Sonny’s right hand with his own. He gave it a light squeeze, then continuously rubbed the top of his hand softly as a comforting motion. “Yes, but it’s alright. I’m here for you. Would you like to…?” He didn’t want to push Sonny but he still wanted to know what was going through his head. 

Sonny was quiet. 

Rafael was quieter, but he kept softly rubbing Sonny’s hand.

Sonny closed his eyes and swallowed. 

“I was just...just so scared, Raf. I thought that that was it, that I’d never get to tell my Ma or sisters how much I love them one more time. That the squad would have to go through a second funeral, that with us being short-staffed already, I would only end up causing more problems than I already do. I was scared that I’d never get to see my niece grow up. And God I was horrified,” Sonny’s voice broke, he turned into Rafael’s chest and let out a few sobs before continuing. “I was horrified that-that I’d never be able to see you again, that me dying would either amount in you falling into this spiral of self-loathing and depression, or you’d just...you’d just forget.” 

Rafael tried to say something, but he couldn’t. He placed his left hand on Sonny’s back, allowing him to hide in Barba’s chest. A muffled “I’m sorry,” was heard from Sonny before he dug his face further into Rafael. “I was hoping that I’d be able to be fine tonight, that you wouldn’t have to deal with me again.” Sonny was trembling, but Raf wasn’t sure if it was due to him crying, and the sobs that come with that, or his body just shaking.

“Sonny,” his voice was quiet, soothing, but filled with authority and a little bit of fear. “I’m not ‘dealing with’ or ‘putting up’ with you. I want to take care of you and help you because I love you, and I want you to be okay.” He could feel Sonny shake his head. “‘M still sorry.” Slowly, cautiously, and slightly nervously, Rafael begins to stroke at the back of Sonny’s hair.

With a sigh, Sonny leans his head back into Rafael’s hand, while curling his body up into himself more. “What’s there to be sorry for? You being put into a situation you couldn’t have stopped? The anxiety that you have had since puberty? No, those aren’t things to apologize for, don’t ever feel the need to.” 

Sonny chuckled a breathy, shaky, half-hearted chuckle, but a chuckle nonetheless. He finally looked up at Rafael, and with a heavy hand, wiped his eyes. “Why do you put up with me? I don’t deserve you.” Sonny’s statement and question filled with complete and total love for the shorter man, but also dripped with a light splash of self-loathing, more than was already present in his words. 

Rafael simply shook his head but smiled at the blue eyes staring at him. “As mentioned, I don’t put up with you. I love you. I care for you. You may get a little obnoxious sometimes,” he squeezes Sonny’s neck lightly. “But at the end of the day, you make me happy.” 

Sonny put his head back into Rafael’s chest but this time was more caring, softer. Rafael moves his left hand to the bottom of Sonny’s neck and began to fiddle with the hair there. It was so pleasant now that it wasn’t totally stiff. “You make me happy,” he repeated, which caused Sonny to look up at him, “you and this goofy-ass hair.”

Sonny giggled before snuggling back into Rafael’s chest.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, any help with the portrayal of the characters is much appreciated, as are really any comments of the story. Next chapter has a larger breakdown from Sonny, which I still need to go over and rewrite. The next chapter is also longer, and kind of a large word vomit.


End file.
